Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
