I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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