Got a toothbrush?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
