I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
