I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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