apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
