I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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