In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
