You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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