Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
not ubering you a puppy
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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