I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
