I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
