You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
