I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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