8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
