I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
