Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
