I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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