mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
