i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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