the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Randomize
