i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
