Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
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