i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
