toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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