You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
