First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
