I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
