I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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