I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
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He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
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I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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