Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
