I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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