she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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