just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
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