If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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