I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
