I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
