One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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