Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
