Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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