Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
