dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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