My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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