Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
