do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
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I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
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The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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