Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
