Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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