i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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