Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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