i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
