Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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