If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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