Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
