I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
